You’re Not Abandoned
One of the biggest causes of anxiety is the feeling that one is alone or is, or could be, abandoned. I want to address this in this chapter because the Bible makes it clear that , “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” and that “whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:18, ESV).
I believe that fear and anxiety often find their foundation in an underlying feeling that we are alone, not loved, not understood, not wanted, and not accepted. However, this verse hints at an important concept, that if you are afraid and filled with anxiety, you are not focused on true love. You are focused on worldly love, love from others and even love for yourself. These kinds of love are far from perfect. What love is perfect? Only the love of God! God loves us for who we are and accepts us through grace when we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior through faith. With people, we always have to try harder to earn their affection. With God, He gives us grace. He loves us in a way that people never can. And, knowing this love will drive out fear, because we know that we are ETERNALLY accepted, that not even death can separate us from this love. A beautiful thing!
Have you been abandoned by your loved ones? Are you afraid of being abandoned by you loved ones? You might be acutely aware of it, or you might have a nagging suspicion that it is affecting your relationships and life. Let’s take a look at some of the ways that fear of abandonment might make it difficult to form long-term, meaningful relationships.
Shame, sadness, loneliness, longing, rage, and anxiety are all powerful and painful emotions that might be triggered by these thoughts and concerns. These feelings can be uncomfortable, and your desire to get rid of or diminish them can lead you to act in ways that have previously worked for you. As you evaluate your relationships, you may come to the realization that your habits aren’t working any longer. You’re aware of this since you’re not in the relationship you desire.
At the same time, the aim of having a healthy, long-lasting, and loving relationship may seem unattainable to you, or you may believe it will demand too much effort for which you lack the time or energy. I see your point. It’s natural to believe that it’s simpler to diminish expectations and hope than it is to boost drive and resolve, especially when it comes to matters of the heart, when we are constantly afraid of being hurt or disappointed.
When you feel like you’ve had enough emotional agony for a lifetime, you might wonder if it’s worth it to expose yourself to the chance of additional emotional pain. We’ve all been in a relationship that has left us feeling unhappy, lonely, misunderstood, unlovable, unsafe, and yearning for more (but not necessarily believing that we deserve more). Many of us have never experienced what it’s like to be in a loving, deserving, understood, valued, respected, and appreciated relationship that accepts us for who we are, flaws and all. Remember that you are not alone in your sentiments.
In this section, we’ll look at abandonment as a primary basic principle, and other four additional basic concepts in addition to abandonment. We will also discuss the right mindset in other to be free from the fear and pain that comes with abandonment.
The basic ideas that work in collaboration with abandonment Secrecy is a key notion that reinforces your worries and views. When our underlying beliefs are outside of our consciousness, they are more hazardous.
Mistrust and abuse, emotional deprivation, defectiveness, and failure are the four main ideas that can induce or be triggered by the fear of abandonment.
The first step toward overcoming your fear of abandonment is to recognize and confront your core beliefs with the truth of God’s word.
The following are their definitions:
• Abandonment: This is a major concept resulting from physical or emotional loss, a lack of emotional support or connection, or an unstable or unpredictable environment.
• Abuse and mistrust: a core belief acquired in childhood as a result of experiences including verbal, physical, or sexual abuse, betrayal, humiliation, or manipulation. The person who holds this core belief expects others to harm, abuse, humiliate, cheat, deceive, manipulate, or exploit him or her.
• Emotional deprivation: Emotional deprivation is a conviction that others will fall short of meeting one’s need for normal emotional support. The following are the three types of deprivation:
a. Nurturance deprivation: the lack of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship.
b. Empathy deprivation: the lack of comprehension, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings with others.
c. Lack of protection: the inability to rely on others for strength, direction, or guidance.
• Defectiveness: This is a basic concept that makes people feel defective, terrible, undesirable, or inferior in important ways, or that others would reject them if their “flaws” were revealed. These defects might be personal (e.g unworthy of love, secret sexual urges) or public (e.g, unworthy of love, a physical characteristic or behavior that makes her self-conscious).
• Failure: An individual’s basic idea that he or she is insufficient or inept, and will inevitably fail. This person feels like a failure in comparison to others. Any achievements this person has make him or her feel like a fraud.
Let’s take a look at these five key principles and hear stories that illustrate them.
Abandonment as a Core Belief
People that have abandonment as their major belief, might have thoughts like: “People who love me will desert me or die”, “I will soon be abandoned”, “No one has ever been by my side”, “People I’ve known for a long time are unpredictable”, “I’ll be alone in the end”. The list is endless. Let’s look at a life example of Linda, whose primary belief is that she should be abandoned.
Her story: Linda was reared by a single mother as an only child. Before Linda was born, her mother divorced Linda’s biological father. Linda never had the opportunity to meet her biological father. Her earliest memories are of her mother’s lover, Fred, taking her to the park. She also recalls how upset she was when her mother informed her she’d never see Fred again. Linda carried the agony of that loss with her for the rest of her life. Her next close relationship was with Anthony. He lived with Linda and her mother for five years, but it was a roller coaster ride of emotions.
Anthony and Linda had a lot of fun together, but Anthony and Linda’s mother had a lot of fights over money and Anthony’ unwillingness to commit to marriage. Anthony would disappear for days after a big argument, leaving Linda to wonder when or if he would return. Throughout Linda’s youth and adolescence, her mother had a series of erratic relationships with men that lasted anywhere from a few months to five years. Linda’s primary belief in abandonment arose from her frequent losses of father figures in her life.
Mistrust and Abuse as a Belief
If you have a basic belief in mistrust and abuse, you may have thoughts and experiences like: “I’m always getting harmed by individuals close to me”. “If I don’t protect myself, others will take advantage of me”. “People I trusted have mistreated me verbally, physically, or sexually”.
A Life Example (not a real person): Sally has a strong belief in mistrust and abuse, as well as abandonment. Her story is as follows:
Sally was an only child whose parents cherished her. She had a privileged upbringing. Her surname was associated with riches and power (and beyond). Other families had money, but hers had a well-known and renowned ancestry that few could claim or comprehend. No one would have guessed Sally’s childhood was anything less than idyllic. Envy-worthy scenes were created for public sight. Despite their responsibilities to their family trust and charity, business, and social obligations, her parents made it obvious that their top priority was their daughter. Sally’s parents were the life of the party at every gathering. They were anything but joyful and loving at the end of their long tree-lined, gated road, and behind the ten-foot carved mahogany doors. Her parents would become enraged as the after-party drinking continued. They would pick apart Sally when they were tired of squabbling with one another, berating her for the smallest of infractions. Even though Sally had grown accustomed to her parents treating her like a valued possession in public and trash behind closed doors, it still surprised her, and the words sliced like a dagger through her.
Sally was constantly comforted by a nanny after her parents had grown tired of the verbal abuse, the nanny made her feel safe and cherished. Unfortunately, when Sally’s parents felt she was becoming too connected to the nanny, they would fire her without warning. They would casually inform her that the nanny had left because she didn’t love caring for Sally.
She had fifteen nannies by the time she was eighteen years old. Sally’s primary belief in mistrust and abuse stems from her parents’ harsh criticism of her. She also formed a basic belief in abandonment as a result of the frequent loss of her carers, her nannies, to whom she had grown connected.
Emotional Deprivation
People that have a strong belief in emotional deprivation, will have these thoughts and many more to themselves, “I’m lonely”, “I don’t get the love I require”, “I don’t have anyone in my life who genuinely cares about me or is capable of meeting my emotional requirements”, “I don’t have any emotional attachments to anyone”.
A Life Example (not a real person): Mary has two core beliefs: emotional deprivation and abandonment. Her story is as follows: Mary speaks fondly of her parents when she recalls her upbringing. On the surface, the story seemed to be an uplifting discourse about a working-class family of six who were enjoying the American dream, thanks to the father’s hard labor and the mother’s emotional strength and perseverance.
Mary’s father journey through the ranks of his company seems like a 1950s cliché: he started in the mailroom at the age of twenty, with a pregnant wife at home. They had four children over the next ten years, and Mary’s father had worked his way up to a middle-management post. Mary recalls the fundamental principles her parents instilled in her through their words and actions, to work hard and serve God. She also recalls never hearing either of her parents say the words “I love you.” Mary had one last chance to hear the words from her mother that she so desperately wanted to hear.
Unfortunately, her mother’s lips did not say anything, instead, a tiny grin formed on her lips as she closed her eyes and took her final breath. Mary was fifteen at the time. She continued to concentrate on her high school education, hoping to surprise her father by being the first member of her family to attend college. Mary was ecstatic when she received admission letters from many institutions, and she assumed her father would be as well. When her father asked, “How are you going to pay for it?” her happy mood rapidly turned to disappointment.
Mary’s primary beliefs, emotional deprivation and abandonment, stem from her mother’s death, her inability to meet her emotional needs, and her lack of emotional connection and support.
Belief in Defectiveness
If you have a core conviction in defectiveness, you may always think to yourself, “If people really understood me, they would reject me”. “I’m not deserving of love”. “I’m embarrassed by my flaws”. “People wouldn’t like me if they saw the real me”. “So I exhibit a phony self”.
A Life Example (not a real person): Anna’s core ideas are defectiveness and abandonment. Let’s have a peek at her story. Ali had a hint of jealousy throughout her life when she was among sisters who were close to one another. She yearned for that relationship with her own eighteen-month-old sister. Despite Anna’s greatest attempts, the relationship could not be formed.
Their disparities were unmistakable. Anna was tall, slim, brilliant, and amusing, whereas Carl was small, full-figured, and smart as well, but with a prickly demeanor. Carl was always the favorite of their mother. Was it their comparable body shapes and weight difficulties, or was her mother drawn to Pam’s rage because it reminded her of her own long-standing resentment? With her quick metabolism and easy chuckle, it appeared as if they despised Anna at times.
Anna’s father, on the other hand, cherished her. When they were together, they were both more outgoing and had a good time. When he was around, life was always a little easier. Anna’s relationship became more problematic when he reached adolescence and began making the expected mistakes that come with the struggle for independence. Breaking curfew, receiving speeding fines, and being caught with alcohol. She wasn’t daddy’s ideal little girl anymore, and she discovered that when he was disappointed in her, he rapidly withdrew his attention and care. She had the strange experience of receiving more favorable attention from her mother and sister during these periods. She was always left with the impression that there was something wrong with her. Her mother and sister withdrew if she was too “perfect,” while her father withdrew if she was less than “perfect.” Someone in her family had always made her feel defective and abandoned.
The Core Belief in Failure
If you have a failure core belief, you can think to yourself, “Most of my peers are more successful than me”. “I am not as intelligent as the individuals I know”. “I’m embarrassed that I’m not up to par with others”. “I don’t have any particular abilities”.
A Life Example (not a real person): Lilly has a core belief in failure and a core conviction in abandonment.
Here is her story: Lilly was born in the city of New York. Her parents left India when they were in their late teens. They both went to NYU Medical School and went on to become well-known physicians. Lilly grew up on Manhattan’s upper east side. From kindergarten until high school, she attended a prominent, intellectually demanding institution. Her parents were intelligent and accomplished, and they expected Lilly to be the same. The pupils and teachers both liked Lilly. In fact, she has always hung around with the most popular kids since she first entered school. She, on the other hand, has always suffered academically. Her kindergarten standardized test placed her in the 52nd percentile. Concerned about Lilly’s performance, her parents scheduled a meeting with the school’s principal to discuss the consequences of her test results. When they were told that the results could have been due to a bad day or a lack of familiarity with the standardized exam format, they were relieved.
They were relieved that she was not displaying any evidence of learning challenges in the school, thus there was no need to send her for a learning or developmental evaluation. Lilly’s parents advised her to put in more effort in school. They were confident that given the genetic endowments they had handed on to her, all she needed to do was apply herself and her scores and grades would place her at the top of the class.
When Lilly’s parents received the results of her sixth standardized test at the conclusion of fifth grade, there was no discussion. She was thought to be a “middle of the pack” student. To make matters worse, Lilly’s pals were all going through growth spurts, making her the youngest in her group. Her friends continued to like her, and she remained a part of the most popular group of students at school until she graduated. She did not earn honors during graduation, but she walked up onstage and got her diploma like the rest of her classmates. The audience did not include Lilly’s parents.
Lilly’s basic belief in failure arose from her perception that she didn’t measure up to the other students in her class. Her primary concept in abandonment was formed as a result of her parents’ conditional love and acceptance.
You may not be able to relate to all of these experiences, but hopefully you can empathize with these people and their disappointment at not receiving what they desired from those closest to them.
What is your Fundamental Belief?
It’s critical to become aware of your underlying beliefs, in order to better understand yourself and why you might find certain aspects of relationships difficult and painful. Examining your childhood and adolescent experiences to find your underlying beliefs can be emotionally distressing, causing feelings of rage, shame, loneliness, despair, worry, and guilt.
Memories elicit strong reactions. Remember that this is not a trip about blaming yourself or others. It’s about discovering and comprehending your story so you may go outside of it and build new methods of communicating and acting. We’ve all felt enslaved by our own stories.
You can’t undo what happened in the past, but you can start your path by comprehending it. Let’s get this party started. …
In your mind or heart, what voices are you hearing? Was there a mother or parent who made you feel humiliated? A husband who expresses his rage? Have you done something you regret and believe has eternally tarnish your reputation? Have your family and friends abandoned you?
You will continue to feel bad, worry, and fear will grip you until you surrender these voices to God. You will never truly enjoy life, the blessings of His favor, the true warmth of His love, unless you surrender to Him.
Know that you’re not abandoned. You might not have any one around you, you might be feeling lonely and worthless. God’s love for you is eternal, just accept his offer of love and you begin to experience change. You are not abandoned, you are not worthless, you are loved, you are bought with a price.
See God’s word for you: (Psalms 27:10) “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close”.
(Isaiah 49:15) “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you”.
Always remember, you are not abandoned, turn to God and let him shower you with his everlasting Love.
He Cares For You
God is ecstatic that you have placed your trust in Him. Do you believe God would try to discourage you in your faith now that you are His child? ”
“The reality is, once you place your confidence in God, you will never have to perform for Him because His love for you is limitless, unlimited, constant, and bountiful.”
I’d like you to pay attention. Someone is trying to keep you from understanding God’s secret and magnificent love. Those who seek to adore God are despised by Satan.
He would love to speak evil words into your heart, distracting you and causing you to feel like, you are wasting time attempting to satisfy God. However, you must learn to discern untruthful voices and make the decision not to accept or listen to them. All you have to do is reject his lies and live into the truth and solid foundations of love that God has shown to you via scripture, because Satan comes to take your faith and confidence, there will always be a spiritual fight going on in your heart.
However, you must understand this: The thief (Satan) comes only to steal, murder, and destroy;” (John 10:10).
In the Garden of Eden, he lied to Adam and Eve. He accuses us before God at all hours of the day and night. (Revelation 12:10) “For the accuser of our brethren, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been struck down”.
Satan knows that if he can persuade you to concentrate on yourself and your flaws, you will be unable to appreciate God’s wonderful love and forgiveness. When you listen to his voices, you are essentially succumbing to Satan’s falsehoods, and he will have you living a life of defeat and fear.
As a result, the more mature you grow in the things of God, the easier it will be to distinguish God’s voice from Satan’s or other voices that have previously been a pattern in your life. You are no longer bound by these voices because you are a new creature in Christ. You are all brand new, with a fresh start. (2 Corinthians 5:17). “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come”.
These are the realities I want you to know:
You are loved. (Romans 1:7)
“Grace and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ to those who are loved by God and called to be his holy people.”
You are the princess of God. (2 Peter 2:9-10)
“However, you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, to proclaim the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.”
“You are royalty because the King, the creator of the universe, has adopted you.” That is your lineage, and it is the truth of His love for you.
I want you to surrender all of your failures, faults, fears, anxiety,worry and flaws to God and leave them in his hands in paradise. Because you are forgiven, loved, treasured, redeemed, and adopted by God, you must never, ever let things define you again.
Do you now believe He loves you? And, more importantly, do you realize that God’s voice for you is one of love, instruction, and encouragement rather than condemnation, and will change your life forever? It may take some practice to get rid of these voices, but as you live into God’s love, you will find out that it gives you such great joy and freedom to be yourself, to be the person God created you to be.
So, when you read this portion today, I ask you, precious friend, would you believe Satan’s lies or will you accept His love and your enormous worth to Him? He loves your eye color, timidity or outgoing personality, short stature or powerful physique.
He loves you just the way you are, because He created you to be joyful, happy, and full of life! With a possession and inheritance, you have a safe status as His royal one.
Most women have a lot of feelings and are easily affected by their moods, especially if they are living in guilt, fear, or inadequacy. God has given us the ability to feel. As women, we are known for our feelings of love, compassion, mercy, sympathy, and sensitivity. Because of our feelings, we bring enormous encouragement and strength to individuals God has brought into our lives when we exercise love toward those He has brought into our lives. Friends, children, husbands, and acquaintances are among us.
However, as highly sensitive beings, we are prone to feelings of shame, inadequacy, and insecurity. These more negative thoughts can enslave us and keep us captive to the gloomy voices we frequently hear, whether from individuals who have improperly influenced our life or from our own feelings of failure.
To begin, we must acknowledge that being a great lover is one of the highest achievements we can have, and it makes us most like Christ. It is a magnificent cloak for a woman to wear, to love abundantly and deeply. Christians will be genuinely known in the world by our love, Jesus declared, by our unconditional, redemptive love for one another.
We must remember that Satan, God’s arch-enemy, is well aware of the tremendous power of Christ’s love through us. He would nearly go to any length to keep us from seeing how valuable we are to God so that He could cripple us. Satan just despises the fact that we have been anointed with favor by a God who delights in employing ordinary people to accomplish extraordinary things. He whispers to us that we are unworthy in the hopes of preventing us from living a story worth recounting through the days of our lives.
We can’t be free to love if we’re preoccupied with ourselves, our own flaws, resentment, or a lack of forgiveness for ourselves or others. Jesus Christ wants us to be free, to live our lives without fear of being judged, so that we might love others properly.
He cares for you, God loves you, It’s not because you got straight A’s in school or because you didn’t earn straight A’s in school. You are cherished, It’s not because of your athletic prowess, or lack thereof. You are Loved and Cared for, not because of the nice things you’ve accomplished or your past. It’s because you are His, he cares so much for you. (1 Peter 5:7). “Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully”. [Psalms 55:22.]
You become His when you embrace Jesus Christ as your Savior and invite him into your heart, and he adores you exactly as you are, as he created you. That is something you should never forget. You are his masterpiece, and he sees perfection in you when he looks at you. He sees a princess and a wonderful being. I know this is difficult to grasp and even more difficult to truly allow it sink into your soul, but just rest in the truth right now. You are loved not for what you have accomplished, but for who you are. You belong to Him. (Psalms 55:22). “Pile your troubles on God’s shoulders, he’ll carry your load, he’ll help you out. He’ll never let good people topple into ruin”.
EXERCISE 6
1. Do you take each day as it comes, or you acknowledge that God loves you?
2. Is there a voice or an obstacle blocking you from knowing His love, or do you live in security and certainty of His love?
3. On a piece of paper, write out your anxieties, failures, and flaws.
4. What are the affirmative words of flaws, anxiety, or failure or flaws?
5. Make a list of the lies you tell yourself or the feelings of inadequacy you have. Make a strategy to capture the voice or concept every time it enters your head and replace it with God’s word.
Dr. Amanda Smith 